I have a lot of fears. Some are deep and dark, and you couldn’t pay me enough to share them. Actually, you could probably get a few out of me for $1,000. I do have some small fears though, too. Those I don’t mind sharing.
I fear that one day I’ll walk out of the house with a hole in the butt of my spandex.
I fear that my alarm won’t go off in the morning.
I fear that my oatmeal with boil over in the microwave
I fear that I’ll catch a stomach bug.
I fear that I’ll lock my keys in the car.
I fear that people will think my photography sucks.
I fear that this outfit made me look like a dalmatian
You’re bored with this post, aren’t you? I understand. Okay. I’ll share the juicy stuff. One deep, dark, fear, exposed to the world wide web.
shudder.
I fear that I won’t be able to have children. Though I don’t talk much about my potential infertility, I think about it every day. I think about it every time I’m contemplating whether or not I should eat something. I think about it every time I feel “fat”. My aspirations to have a family is my greatest motivational force in recovery and as helpful as it is to have such a loud voice reside in the back of my mind propelling me to move forward, it’s ridiculously scary.
But that’s life, isn’t it? It’s imperfect. It’s scary. It continuously requires us to be as proactive in pursuing the greatest happiness possible. For me, that’s to have children. What motivates you?
What are your biggest smallest fears? or your biggest biggest fears?!
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I just had to de-lurk on this, as I am in the same shoes as you. Well, not the same exactly, but with the same fertility related issues. I can’t wait to start a family, but am still missing my period. I am doing my best to get it back, and I’ve started eating a really fat-rich died few days ago. I just can’t wait to get it back. So, that’s my biggest fear, not being able to have children. And recover properly.
Oh, and losing my loved ones. I’ve been there, and I do not want to experience it again.
Good luck to us both in getting our hormones back
Hi Minny! thank you so much for for de-lurking and reminding me that i’m not alone in my struggles. it’s comforting to know that there’s someone else who’s going through a similar battle, but we CAN DO THIS! Stay strong!
The fear of not having children was the MAIN reason I decided to pursue recovery. I knew I messed with my body big time and while I mentally was NOT ready to recover I knew my future family depended on it.. Furthermore, it was not fair to my husband to continue acting selfishly… because my decisions directly impacted his possibility of being a father.
My blog shares more of my journey but I, unfortunately, did walk the road of infertility. I am currently 29 years old and 30 weeks pregnant (praise God!) after many many rounds of fertility treatment and eventually IVF.
You both CAN do this… keep pressing on towards recovery!!! Feeling my little girl move inside my belly is the most amazing thing ever! Yes… I have gained 22 pounds BUT I know, without a doubt, it is WORTH it! It is so freeing! Recovery IS possible!
I have a huge fear of getting stuck in a dead end job I hate but that I have to keep up to support myself or my family with. I never want to feel uninspired and stuck in my place of employment. Unfortunately its not really kicking me to buckle down with school work quite like your fear motivates you… sigh.
you wont, Katie. You’re far too creative and wonderful to be restricted to a 4 x 4 cubicle.
BTW, what is your major? what career do you want to pursue?
hi jenny, i have the same fear! i don’t think about it everyday, but i did yesterday for a bit…and I’m afraid of not recovering. my little fears include forgetting to brush my teeth, my phone dying, and running out of gas
being afraid of not recovering is much better than being afraid of recovering. Use that!
I can relate to so many of these! It’s amazing how the smallest little things will keep us up at night or cause us to worry! Hearing that other people struggle with these kinds of worries is definitely reassuring!
We have a lot of the same little fears!!! That’s crazy! (But those polka dots are FOR SURE adorable!)
I can totally understand the fear of not being able to have kids. I’m not… “in that stage” of my life yet, but I’m sure the day will come. I can understand worrying about it, but you’re taking care of yourself, so you’re on the right track
I’m not in that stage yet either, but when I am, I want… no, NEED my body to be built up and strong enough to take care of my child.
I have the same fear too! Wanting my own family has been one of the largest factors keeping me from slipping back into my past ED behaviors.
It’s scary to think that I won’t even know if I’m able to have children until that time in my life actually comes.
I just want you to know that your honesty is something I really look forward to. I identify with you in a lot of ways and I guess it’s nice to know i’m not the only one out there. So thank you for opening up because it truly is inspiring!
P.S. love the shirt!
thank you for making me feel comfortable being honest
With this post I officially must de-lurk and say how much I relate to you and your fear. I have the same fear and although I am only 23 and not even close to having children, the fact that my period is often times non-existant for long spans of time worries me to oblivion.
“I think about it every day. I think about it every time I’m contemplating whether or not I should eat something. I think about it every time I feel “fat”. ” –this is dead-on with how I think/feel at times. Although I never really had an ED, I did (and still sometimes do) have disordered thoughts. The goal of stabilizing my hormones helps wipe those nasty thoughts away.
You’re on the right track–keep it up girlie!
We share quite a few of the same fears! I want to become a mother more than anything, when I think about what I’ve done to my body through my E.D. I get really sad that I may have inhibited my chances of conceiving. Future motherhood is one of the top reasons I want/need to recover.
I have a question: I’m in a very serious relationship with my boyfriend and he has been very helpful with my E.D. struggles. He’s one of my best motivators and confidants. I feel terrible because he doesn’t really have anyone to talk to about how he feels about my disorder and there isn’t much literature about significant others of those struggling with E.Ds. How does Gingie “handle” your disorder?
Great question! I actually think it would make a good post topic. I’ll revisit this soon!
Jenny, I really appreciate you posting this. I’ll admit, I didn’t think your secret fear was going to be something so serious. I really appreciate the honesty, because I think a lot of girls who have struggled with ED feel this way. I know I have and still do sometimes. It’s the unknown, and something I won’t know until I cross that bridge in the future. I have to believe that since I did everything I could to recover and give myself the full fat nutrients I needed, I am repaired. I know it’s wishful thinking but I think that since you are obviously a few years away from that, if you continue to keep nourishing yourself, it can definitely happen for you.
This post is so powerful,Jenny. I really appreciate your honesty and I really want you to know that I believe in you. You can beat your eating disorder,you can recover and you will be able to ground a family someday. I know that,because you deserve it.
Personally,I have the same fear: Not being able to have children is a horrible and terrifying hought for me. But I am also afraid of dying all of a sudden because I treated my body so bad for such a long time and still have a dangerous since two years…
*and still have a dangerous WEIGHT since two years.
i’m not sure if you read my post from friday (http://www.myfoodnfitnessdiaries.com/2012/02/24/making-some-changes/), but i just wrote about my fear of not ever getting my period back too. it’s a scary thing. we just have to keep pluggin along, do what’s best for our bodies, de-stress, and hope for the best. try to stay positive girly!
You have no idea how much i can relate. Every time this crosses my mind i tear up. I fear this because I AM now at a healthy weight and still have not had my period
I’ve been going to a doctor to hopefully figure it out though.
hang in there Anna and keep working! Question: how are you gauging your “healthy weight”? Sometimes your natural healthy weight may be a little bit higher than the “absolute minimum to be considered healthy”. In other words, you might need to gain more weight in order for your to recoup. Scary, I know, but just remember what you’re fighting for! You family, your health, your future, your life!
I fear this too. My biggest aspiration in life is to have kids and be a great mom, and while I haven’t had anything to worry about for a few years, period-wise (TMI?), knowing that I once put that at risk scares the sh*t out of me. It’s something to fight for, for sure
I’m always afraid my alarm won’t go off in the morning and then I wake up like 2 hours before my alarm and then I’m afraid I won’t be able to go back to sleep.
I’m not worried about the kids thing, and I’m sure you’ll be able to. And when you come to that point in your life you’ll make a great mother.
I sometimes think the same thoughts. Though I have my cycle back, it hasn’t been the same since pre-ed days. I’ve oftentimes wondered if the damage I did to my body was something I couldn’t take back.
Here’s the deal…. I was grossly underweight before being diagnosed with Celiac Disease (79 lbs). Now, at a healthy 103 lbs, I still do not have a period. I eat more than my husband, plenty of fats, etc, etc…. but still…. nothing. I have resigned myself to the fact that if we are ever ready for children, we will just have to adopt. There are so many children out there in desperate need for love. Maybe this infertility thing is a blessing in disguise.
That being said, as I get older, I am learning not to be governed by fear. Fear is just a whole bunch of unfounded limitations we put on ourselves. My fears range from disappointing others to losing my job. BUT, if I let these things control me, I will miss all the beauty that is already in my life.
Wise words, Katrina! and I know you and GF guy will have a wonderful, loving family. If it’s my fate to not have children, then I will completely accept that. I will NOT, however, allow my ED to create that fate for me.
I adore your honesty. We are very similar! Although I don’t think of it often, I do realize that is a concern for me. Am I really going to let the fear of gaining weight as a teenager prevent me from raising a family?! It’s so hard, but I always try to remind myself to step back and look at the real picture, at what’s really important. And that is the future! Keep your head up and stay strong, you’re not alone
The prospect of infertility was what really made me come to terms with my unhealthy eating habits. It’s hard, but after almost 2 period-less years, I’ve got it back, and I’m really happy I did. You can do it, Jenny! It’s not easy, but just the fact that you’re willing to share your fears shows you’re making really positive strides
This is such a wonderful post–thank you so much for being so open with us and sharing! You are strong–WE are strong! Let’s conquer this fear!
That is a great thing to be motivated by Jenny. I can see how that could really help you with recovery. I love what you said about every time you make a decision to make a step towards recovery, you think about your ability to have kids. Keep that up! Just remember a step in the direction of the ED is step away from being able to have a family! Stay positive and strong girl!
Oh, Jenny. Such a brave brave post. I went so long without having my period, then I let my eating issues go and suddenly it returned. I won’t lie, the trade off of having my period but feeling … not thin is hard to deal with, but when that time of the month rolls around, I honest to God feel AMAZING. It is OKAY to give up a model body for the ability to have a family. I promise.
I had to come out of the woodwork and comment on this…..
I found out that at age 22 I would never be able to have children. I had had ( unknown to me) 7 e topic pregnancies in three years which made my tubes look like Swiss cheese. On top of not taking care of these since I didn’t know they existed, I found out that my uterus isn’t tilted. It is straight up and down so I wouldn’t be able to carry full term. I took this VERY hard. I have always wanted to be a mom. It was always a dream to take my little kiddos to Disney and do the vacation thing like I always did with my family. It has been 11 years now since I found out and I have been a nanny to children, worked at a birthday party company and been the BEST Auntie to some of my friends kids. I take that very seriously. I know that because of my position, I pull all the love that I would give to a child of my own and put it into loving kids that aren’t exactly mine. Those kids all love me and I love them. From 4 months to 15 years old. Those kids all know they can always count on me for anything. Sometimes you just have to roll with what happens. You can’t let that define you. I have my moments. I still cry but most of the time I hug one of my “nieces or nephews” and I buy them something cool that mom and dad wont buy them
I feel the exact same. It helps to see someone with the same thoughts/struggles. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing this! I have the same fear! When I lost my period because of my disordered eating, my doctor just stuck me on birth control instead of dealing with the real issue. I luckily found my own motivation to gain weight and get healthy, but I still have NO idea if I can get my period naturally. But stay positive Jenny. There are SO many women out there who have struggled with EDs and now have children!
Another one of my fears is never getting the chance to travel and see the world!
A couple of my biggest smallest fears: not having a pack of gum on hand at all times, color-coding my calendar with the wrong color, my skirt blowing up in the wind, or oversleeping my alarm…
Having children was a HUGE motivator for me during my recovery. I was so worried that my dream of a perfect little family with a husband and 3 children wouldn’t happen… Regardless of your motivator, just remember life is worth truly LIVING not letting it pass you by
I do fear death. hope that’s not too cliche. And I hope I will get over it.
I had a friend, once, who was, almost, deathly, afraid of getting appendicitis!
Hey Jenny! I think it is AMAZING that you posted a big fear. I have had a VERY similar experience to yours. Even though I have reached a normal weight I still don’t get a regular period (sorry TMI???). This scares me A LOT. And for a LONG time it was a constant stress for me. I never felt like a normal or real woman, very disconnected. I think your honestly is amazing because as sad as it sounds I always wondered if it was just me that had this problem. Bloggers seem to be thin, healthy, doing everything I do, exercising more then me, and they seemed perfectly fine!
I realize everyone is different. But you getting real is wonderful.
Thank you <3
Biggest smallest fear – Spiders under the toilet seat
Biggest big fear – never finding true love
I have a lot of food intolerances so one of my fears is eating something that may upset my stomach and not being within close vicinity to a bathroom. Diarrhoea isn’t funny condition…but it’s definitely smart. Diarrhoea knows EXACTLY how far you are from the nearest toilet…and is like ‘I’ll race ya!!!’
One time I slept through my alarm in university and missed an exam. So I’ve faced and conquered that fear. Or am I even more terrified? I’m not sure.
My big and little fear is butterflies. Seriously, it sounds little, but I am SO terrified of them. Okay, maybe my big fear is my husband dying. But still…butterflies!
Also, kudos for sharing – I have a friend who went through this but once she got her body back to a healthy state she is perfectly reproductive! Well, she hasn’t tried yet, but everything is in working order.
Oh, man. I can relate to this SO hard.
*potential trigger alert*
I never really had an “eating disorder” per se – orthorexia, if anything – but I lost my period a little over a year ago and am still waiting to get it back. I’ve gained about 10lbs from my low weight (which is half of what I lost) and am now 99% happy with what my body looks like, but I guess my hormones are still a little out of whack! So every time I’m tempted to restrict, I remember the fact that my body is still. not. working. correctly. It sucks, but I’m working through it. I’m really trying to avoid birth control if possible.
Haha yeah I’m afraid of the oatmeal boiling over in the microwave. Every. Single. Time. I watch that bowl of oatmeal like a HAWK. By the way, sometimes even if you’re at your healthy weight, it takes several months for the TOM to get going again (that’s what happened to me) and it could be irregular for a few years. My doctor said that stuff; it’s legit. Great post!
Jenny, I followed and loved your blog way back (when you still used the cutesy nicknames, haha) but stopped reading when I knew about your ED – I couldn’t risk being triggered. However I popped back only today and totally love the new blogging style, and found my way to this post. I felt a lump in my throat. After 5 years of no period and the bone density of an 82-year-old (I’m 18), I have the same fear as you, which has powered me through recovery. However, seeing this post couldn’t have come at a better time. I had an appointment with an endocrinologist yesterday who said it wasn’t enough to be at the minimum (or even above) healthy weight, and I couldn’t just build muscle to make it up – I had to have a much higher body fat percentage for it to happen. That was just after I’d been showered with comments from teachers on how healthy and normal I looked. Honestly, I decided recovery wasn’t worth it and was ready to give up – I’d choose osteoporosis and infertility over going through more ‘torture’. But this post really hit home for me.
Sorry for the ramblings, and if this was TMI. You’re officially back on my reader, Jenny!